Punnies for the New Year

(Collected and culled over the years)

. A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
. A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
. A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
. A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
. Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
. Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
. Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
. Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
. Acupuncture is a jab well done.
. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
. Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
. Every calendar's days are numbered.
. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
. Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
. What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)
. Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
. A backward poet writes inverse.
. Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.
. Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
. If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
. When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
. When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
. When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
. Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
. Without geometry, life is pointless.
. A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
. A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.
. In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your Count votes.
. A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.
. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
. I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
. He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
. He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blown apart.
. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I'll show you A flat minor.
. Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.
. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
. The poor guy fell into a glass grinding machine and made a spectacle of himself.
. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
. Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.

 

And I used to work in a fire hydrant factory, but dang it there was never any place to park!