Groundcrew humour

These have been around for a while, but still make me laugh every time I come across them again. Most recently seen in a post by chriskinoki on www.zincplay.com/forum/. They reportedly come from Qantas "gripe sheets ", memos left by pilots (P) for maintenance crew (M).

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
M: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
M: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in the cockpit.
M: Something tightened in the cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
M: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
M: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
M: DME volume reset to a more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
M: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
M: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
M: Suspect you're right.

P: The number 3 engine is missing.
M: Engine found on right wing after a brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
M: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
M: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
M: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under the instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
M: Took hammer away from the midget.

P: Evidence of a leak on the right main landing gear.
M: Evidence removed.